2012 in Review

New Year's Eve: A time of reflection and consequent goal setting.
January 2nd: The day I officially give up on all of those goals because I've already failed to complete them.

Just kidding.

In all seriousness, though, I, like everyone else, tend to get reflective this time of year-almost doubly so between my birthday and the 31st. 2012 has been a year of major change in my life, some expected and some most definitely not. I feel like God's been molding my heart in necessary ways that I nevertheless never anticipated. It's been good. And so, without further ado, I present to you "2012 in Review."

THE LESSONS:

1. I know how to grieve now-and comfort those who do. Our family dynamics changed in dramatic ways over the past year. I would never, ever, ever pretend that I'm glad circumstances were what they were. I would never, ever pretend that I didn't absolutely hate learning it. I also won't pretend, however, that I don't value the lesson. I now feel so much more equipped to help someone going through grief. There were people who, though trying very hard to be helpful and loving, said the exact wrong words at the exact wrong time. There were others, though, who sincerely helped. There was a family who took me home right after we got the news, let me stain their bedspread with my tears, and proceeded to put up with my heavy-hearted mood in the days following when I was still too shocked to function but too upset to be alone. There was an eleven-year-old who prayed for me. There were friends who baked cookies and left them with sweet notes on my porch. A little girl who would simply sit and hold my hand. Teenage boys who heard the news, bought our family dinner, and spent the night with my brother. There was community and there was family, in every sense of the words. I only hope if I'm ever on the opposite side of the situation that I would show even a sliver of the love these people showed to me.
2. I'm strengthening my relationship with Christ. I feel like my faith journey has been a bit of a crazy one this year. Picking a college in the springtime was a huge lesson in trust. God's plans are much better than mine, and I've clearly seen this in how my life in Bozeman has panned out. I've continued to learn about trust even as I wade through issues like majors and careers and simple things like housing. I've learned a lot about how I relate to God-from seemingly minor areas like trusting my gut about what He's saying to me, to more convicting areas, like realizing that I struggle immensely with acting upon what He's saying. It's also been a year of learning to persevere even through uncertainty. Right around camp this past July I was hit with some very severe issues of doubt, and they crept back in once I headed off to Bozeman. Some days it felt excruciatingly debilitating. I can't begin to explain how hard it was to deal with grief and an entire new environment when the very foundation of my life felt so shaky, yet I'm thankful even for this struggle. I feel like it's made my faith stronger, if messier. I don't have all the answers, but I'm learning how to be okay with that. I'm learning to trust and follow even when it seems easier to just give up. And for that, my friend, I'm thankful. In many ways, it feels like my Bible verse for the year was James 1:2-4, when James writes, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work in you, so you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." My faith doesn't feel as black and white as it did last year. It doesn't feel as clear cut. It often feels like I've taken one step forward in some areas but two steps back in others. But boy, oh boy, does it feel more mature. And it feels more complete. And it feels more intimate. That I'll take. 
3. Community is such a blessing. I've always appreciated my Columbia Grove family, but I especially do now. Not being with them makes my heart ache. I'm so thankful that I was privileged enough to learn from some of the wisest, coolest, most humble people around what it looks like to truly love one another in Christ's name-and I'm even more grateful that they welcome me back with open arms. I'm immensely thankful, too, that I found a community in Bozeman so quickly. I'm particularly thankful that God lead me to InterVarsity. I'm excited to go back and make more memories there second semester.
4. God's really been showing me what my true passions are. I miss my job like crazy. I'm honestly sitting here struggling to figure out how to communicate the depth to which I miss it. The funny thing about it, though, was how wide spread the tasks I had were at times. I'd teach my middle schoolers and serve on the worship team. Some weeks I'd do lots with tech, some I'd find myself setting up lighting. Some weeks I'd preach, some I'd greet, some I'd find myself cleaning the bathroom or trying to get ground Cheetos out of the carpet. I loved all of it. At our annual job review, one of the questions would ask what we'd like to do less of in the coming year. I could never come up with an answer. Leaving my job, however, has offered a lot of perspective. Yes, I did really enjoy everything I did. I suspect that the part of my personality that thrives on leadership and service will always love having the capacity to simply jump in and serve in many settings. There are only some areas, though, and some tasks that I'm truly passionate about. I've learned in the past year how passionate I am about communication, especially as it pertains to ministry. I love figuring out how to convey a message to a group of people in the clearest, most creative way possible-and I love doing it in a variety of manners. I desperately miss writing curriculum and devotionals for church. I miss loading the graphics computer, exploring how to communicate through the images on the screen. I miss preaching! Yes, there are other aspects that I love, too. It's great to come home and serve on the worship team again. I'm excited about starting to teach Children's Church in Bozeman. I've learned, though, that these aren't the areas that set me on fire for God. The other areas make me feel empty when I'm not pursuing them, as if I wasn't doing what God created me to do. Now that I've figured that out, though, I just want to jump on ahead and start really doing them.

And so, because of these lessons, that brings us to:

THE APPLICATIONS:

1. I need to focus on being more honest with and obedient to God. I've learned a lot about how my stubbornness effects our relationship. I've even become okay with admitting that shortcoming. I haven't, however, been focused on actually changing that. I need to realize that the areas God's prodding my heart about are going to bring about good for me or His kingdom. I need to be willing to truly sacrifice for His glory. I really need to be humbled enough to truly submit. My goal for this year is to completely give my whole life to God- hard as my prideful, stubborn heart finds that right now.
2. I want to be much more deliberate about using and growing the skills and passions God's given me. I feel like I've spent the past semester alternately twirling my thumbs and sitting on my hands. I've grown in my personal relationship with God, which I'm excited about. My leadership capabilities and skill sets, however, feel like they've been rusting on a shelf. I hate that. It feels so selfish to not use the gifts that God's given me, and I don't want to do that again. My hope for this year is that I'll be much more deliberate about finding areas to stretch and grow. Over the past several months I've been becoming increasingly more confident of my call into ministry. I have no idea what that means exactly-while I find myself thinking less of being a lead pastor, I still dream of serving in a church. It's only strengthened my desire to pursue seminary after I graduate. However, I don't want to just sit at a standstill until then. I want to prayerfully consider finding an internship or a job that can continue to prepare me for the day when I'm actually finished with school, just like my years at Columbia Grove did. At the very least, I want to at least be more intentional about developing discussions and writing. I have a goal of posting more on my blog, of starting to develop my camp material (7 months out isn't too early, right?) and of simply finding ways to challenge myself. I'm sure God will find some ways to use it eventually, so I might as well get going now. I don't want to sit around and wait anymore. Bring on the stretching. Bring on the growth.

And so, there it is. If you're still reading this, I'm actually fairly impressed. If you're still reading this, I'd like to say thanks. This blog has been such a blessing to me over the past four months, whether anyone reads it or not. Thank you for everyone who's taken time out of their day to stop on by. I know that I often just write about simple or selfish issues in my own life that I'm processing, but I hope it's helpful to someone.

Here's praying that God would stretch and grow you and me in 2013- and that He would do it for His glory.