Selfishness
For the sake of being completely honest, I must admit: I want to go home.
There's so much that I miss here. I miss Jarred coming into my room shouting "MY SISTA!" at the top of his lungs. I miss Travis making some sarcastic remark about whatever Jarred said. I miss movie nights at the Thompson's house and watching Phineas and Ferb with Lauren and Elizabeth. I miss my Froyo-Fridays with Hannah and volunteering at Columbia Heights. I miss Wednesday night coffee with Meghan and watching as Kaleb comes up with creative ways to ask if we can leave. I miss being part of a team. I miss making the Sunday graphics and teaching my kids and helping lead worship on Sundays.
But mostly I just miss being so close to all these people that make up my definition of "family." I miss being near the people who know and love me, who try to challenge me. I miss getting to have those nitty-gritty, brutally honest, this-is-where-I-am conversations. I miss really talking to my mentors, my friends, those people that count as both. The phone is great, but you can't go to coffee over the phone. You can't give someone a hug over Skype.
At InterVarsity the past couple of weeks the speakers have talked about community and having friends that you can "do life" together with. I found myself getting so, so angry with God. I have a community. I have friends that I can be completely honest with, that "do" life with me- they just happen to be 500 miles away. I was so angry because I don't want to have to make new ones; the old would do quite nicely, thank you very much. I've met some really terrific people here and I'm thankful for that. It's hard, though, to unroot the voices in my head that say, "They aren't the same." That's true; they aren't the same. I need to move past the idea that they need to be, though. I need to be willing to work for the relationships.
It's frustrating, however, because this whole experience feels so very temporary. My "home" will only be home until the first week of May, when I'll pack up my room, head to Wenatchee for a couple of months, then do it all over again. My dinners are eaten in a cafeteria off of plastic plates; lending a very (fitting) institutional vibe. People seem to come and go; transfer in and out; commence and graduate. This doesn't just feel like four years in Bozeman, this feels like a four year transplant in shallow earth with little chance to put down deep roots.
But as I walked home from large group last night trying my very hardest not to cry, I was missing people so much, God whispered a little revelation into my heart: I've been really selfish lately. I've been really focused on how I feel. I've been focused on how changes are effecting me. I've been trying to figure out where I want to go to church, who I want to be friends with, all the things I want to do and the things that I miss. And though I've been trying my hardest to remember that I'm right where God wants me to be, I realized yesterday that it's been all too easy for me to just wait for Him to let me know why. In the process, though, I've been a little distracted. I've forgotten to ask God all those questions, where He wants me to be and what He wants me to do. I've been too focused inwardly and not focused enough heavenly.
It's hard. I'm not going to pretend like I had this revelation and suddenly I'm perfectly content here. I still really miss people. I still really want to go home. But I hope that God's little whisper will help me remember to not dwell on the old, but the here and now. I hope it will remind me to keep focused on Him and listening to His guiding. I'm still struggling. Luckily, though, God can meet me there.
There's so much that I miss here. I miss Jarred coming into my room shouting "MY SISTA!" at the top of his lungs. I miss Travis making some sarcastic remark about whatever Jarred said. I miss movie nights at the Thompson's house and watching Phineas and Ferb with Lauren and Elizabeth. I miss my Froyo-Fridays with Hannah and volunteering at Columbia Heights. I miss Wednesday night coffee with Meghan and watching as Kaleb comes up with creative ways to ask if we can leave. I miss being part of a team. I miss making the Sunday graphics and teaching my kids and helping lead worship on Sundays.
But mostly I just miss being so close to all these people that make up my definition of "family." I miss being near the people who know and love me, who try to challenge me. I miss getting to have those nitty-gritty, brutally honest, this-is-where-I-am conversations. I miss really talking to my mentors, my friends, those people that count as both. The phone is great, but you can't go to coffee over the phone. You can't give someone a hug over Skype.
At InterVarsity the past couple of weeks the speakers have talked about community and having friends that you can "do life" together with. I found myself getting so, so angry with God. I have a community. I have friends that I can be completely honest with, that "do" life with me- they just happen to be 500 miles away. I was so angry because I don't want to have to make new ones; the old would do quite nicely, thank you very much. I've met some really terrific people here and I'm thankful for that. It's hard, though, to unroot the voices in my head that say, "They aren't the same." That's true; they aren't the same. I need to move past the idea that they need to be, though. I need to be willing to work for the relationships.
It's frustrating, however, because this whole experience feels so very temporary. My "home" will only be home until the first week of May, when I'll pack up my room, head to Wenatchee for a couple of months, then do it all over again. My dinners are eaten in a cafeteria off of plastic plates; lending a very (fitting) institutional vibe. People seem to come and go; transfer in and out; commence and graduate. This doesn't just feel like four years in Bozeman, this feels like a four year transplant in shallow earth with little chance to put down deep roots.
But as I walked home from large group last night trying my very hardest not to cry, I was missing people so much, God whispered a little revelation into my heart: I've been really selfish lately. I've been really focused on how I feel. I've been focused on how changes are effecting me. I've been trying to figure out where I want to go to church, who I want to be friends with, all the things I want to do and the things that I miss. And though I've been trying my hardest to remember that I'm right where God wants me to be, I realized yesterday that it's been all too easy for me to just wait for Him to let me know why. In the process, though, I've been a little distracted. I've forgotten to ask God all those questions, where He wants me to be and what He wants me to do. I've been too focused inwardly and not focused enough heavenly.
It's hard. I'm not going to pretend like I had this revelation and suddenly I'm perfectly content here. I still really miss people. I still really want to go home. But I hope that God's little whisper will help me remember to not dwell on the old, but the here and now. I hope it will remind me to keep focused on Him and listening to His guiding. I'm still struggling. Luckily, though, God can meet me there.
Hey there,
ReplyDeleteLong time no talk. Loved what you wrote tonight. It's exactly how I'm feeling starting this new chapter of this adventure they call life and up until this week I hadn't really had the courage to ask Him what he wants of me either. It gets better :) It always does because He always has a plan even if we don't have it all figured out yet. Hang in there! We're all in this wild ride together.
:-)
ReplyDelete