At the End of the Day You're Another Day Colder

Lately, I've caught myself humming show-tunes: At the end of the day you're another day colder, and the shirt on your back doesn't keep out the chill. Personally, I don't think it's a good thing when a song from Les Misérables seems to describe your life, but so it goes. 

In some ways, at the end of the day I'm literally another day colder. The weather here has been absolutely freezing lately. Yesterday, Bri and I headed to our 8am class when it was -29ºF outside--without factoring in the windchill. Our professor told us that if we took it into account, it was probably about -44º, and that, by the way, the heating in one of the buildings was malfunctioning. Thank goodness they got it working before I had class in there, because there was no way MSU would cancel.   The weather has been an interesting experiment in both breathing and seeing. When I walk outside, it takes me a minute or two to catch my breath. By that time, though, the inside of my nose has frozen shut. Then my glasses fog over, and both they and my eyelashes freeze. Getting to class is definitely an adventure! I've taken to wearing two sets of long johns underneath my clothes, but they can only do so much.

I don't know what scares me more: The fact that I looked at the thermometer yesterday, saw it was -10º, and thought that wasn't a big deal; or that some of my Montana friends have yet to whip out their heavy-duty gear. 

And did I mention that my brother found out his military assignment? Hawaii. Some people get all the luck... And all the warmth. 

In other ways, I feel like at the end of the day I'm metaphorically colder. I'm pretty sure that I've never been this exhausted and overwhelmed in my life. I am so tired all the time. I have more homework and more responsibilities than I've ever had before, and it feels like as soon as I finish one thing two more get added to the pile. What's more, whatever effort I expend on anything always seems like it's never good enough. My little words-of-encouragement heart is crumbling under a regiment of feedback that's constantly telling me where I need to improve and not what I'm doing well. I'm tired of getting pulled sixteen different directions. While I know I need to stretch to grow, I physically don't think I can stretch that far without snapping. 

I'm getting to the point where I'm so upset and so bone-weary that I don't want to do anything. I don't want to hang out with my friends. I don't want to do homework. I don't want to make plans for Spring Break or summer. All I want to do, in all honesty, is go home -- both because I'm sad I'm missing out on this period of celebration, but also because more than anything, I just want to take a break.

And so it's been a rough month. It's been a month of late night text messages and phone calls and a month full of crying. It's been a month of trying to reach out to other people for help, but feeling like I'm not communicating well and like I'm failing at that, too. Then again, it's also been a month of not wanting to burden other people with my problems, or of feeling like I shouldn't allow them to be so big of a deal and keeping them bottled up. That's not working too well, either. 

In January we did a listening prayer exercise in a meeting, and my partner said she felt like God was telling her I needed to let him be my rock this semester. We're only a month in and I can guarantee that's the truth-I'm already out of strength, so I need Him to be mine. I've been especially thankful for the image and for the encouragement in Psalm 16:8 -- "I will keep my eyes always on the Lord. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken." It's been comforting, and reassuring, and helpful.

I'm not a huge fan of complaining on the Internet, mostly because it's hard to communicate the situation well, and because, in a lot of ways, it's not your problem. I'm not looking for a pity party with this post by any means. At the end of the day, I realize that I'm blessed beyond all measure. For all that it's freezing here, I have warm clothes and warm buildings to stay in. I'm lucky enough to have friends who care about me and a really, really supportive roommate. I am getting a quality education that is not available or affordable for much of the planet. I live in a time and a place where I have enough technology to talk about these things with people back home. My life is not bad at all. At the end of the day, though, I also want to be vulnerable, and admit when I'm having a hard time. And I am.

 So if you'd pray for me, I'd appreciate it. Pray that God would teach me about priorities through this time. Pray that God would teach me about leaning on and trusting in him in all situations. Pray that I'd find encouragement, love, and support in him, his Word and his church. Thanks for supporting me in whatever way you can -- and please, please let me know if there are ways I can be praying for you, too.

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