Spaghetti-Like Thoughts
First of all, let it be known that I never want this blog to just be a venting space, because my life is by no means terrible. In fact, it's been pretty awesome lately-- so much so that in writing this post, I'm interrupting another draft about how much I love my friends and all they've been teaching me. However, sometimes life just seems a little more complicated, and a little more overwhelming, and I just need space to think. I'm an introverted internal processor, but sometimes even I can't figure out what I'm thinking. Tonight is one of those nights where my head is wrapped up in tangled messes of mushy spaghetti and I'm having a hard time grasping onto just one noodle. Sigh. And so here, my friends, is my attempt to make something organized out of chaos--or pasta.
The noodles that I know:
1. My emotions and I have been on a joyride this last week. Sometimes we were up, sometimes we were down, sometimes we took very random and unexpected turns that resulted in unexpected actions that I'm not particularly proud of. I'm still not sure how I feel, besides recognizing that I'm exhausted from attempting to decipher just how I feel. While I know that deep down I appreciate the complexity and range of my emotions, I also just wish I could fit them in logical boxes and say "This makes sense, so I'll feel this way." I wish sometimes that I was uncooked spaghetti, all nice and neat in a box, instead of this tangled mess dumped out into a strainer. Sadly, it just doesn't work that way.
2. I'm talking a lot about pasta tonight. I think I'm going to attribute it to my the fact that I love the "men are like waffles and women are like spaghetti" reasoning, but it's probably just because I made four pounds of spaghetti for a game on Halloween. Yeah. Four. Pounds.
3. I really love my roommate. I'm so thankful for the ways that our personalities complement each other and how she knows so much about things that I know absolutely nothing about. I'm also really thankful that she didn't freak out when I started crying about something relatively foolish today and instead talked me through it.
4. The line between guilt and conviction is one that I'm finding hard to draw lately. I legitimately want to act on the areas in my life where Jesus is convicting me and let Him wash away the guilt from other areas, but sometimes I just can't distinguish between the two.
5. I get to go home in less than a month, guys. I get to see my family, and sleep in my room, and have great conversations with people without the separation of computer screens or telephone speakers, and eat great food, and go to church, and eat Fred Meyer's black raspberry dark chocolate chunk ice cream (why does Fred Meyer not exist in Montana?!) and be by the river and just really be in the place that more than any other spells home. I'm excited. I miss my family-- blood related or not--and I really can't wait to reunite with whatever parts are there.
6. I'm not very good at saying no. Sometimes I can't say no to completing tasks I don't want to do--like running an errand or covering a shift-- because I hate the idea that I'm letting someone down. More often than not, though, I just can't say no to events that I really want to participate in. While it's fun in the moment, it's slowly killing my little introverted heart. I'm exhausted tonight, not from lack of sleep, but from all the mocktail making, movie watching, meeting holding fun and necessity of this weekend. For the sake of remaining healthy, I need to say no more, but I'm finding this truth to be hard to implement.
7. I already registered for next semester's classes. Where did this semester go?!?! When I was Google Chatting (which does not have the same ring as Skyping, FYI) with the Thompsons the other day, I caught myself saying, "I'm having so much fun, I just don't want this semester to end!" I can pretty much guarantee that I never expected to feel that way in Montana, but I'm oh so thankful that it's the truth.
8. Lately I've been loving leadership in InterVarsity, and all the new opportunities it's presenting. I love that my compulsive color-coding and excessive obsession over the way I communicate, among other things, can be used to further Christ's kingdom here in Bozeman. It makes me oh so excited for the day when I get to wake up and serve others and call it my job.
9. School stresses me out, but this time because it's so easy. I have hardly done any homework in almost a week, and yet I'm still right where I need to be and doing well in all my classes. It's not good for a procrastinator, because then when I finally have something to do I'm going to wait forever to actually do it!
10. Jarred asked me right before he left for combat training on my advice about growing up. Here's the thing, little brother: I'm not anywhere close to growing up. It's not from lack of trying, but more from finally understanding that the older I get the more I realize just how immature and unaware I really am. I'm not sure if I'll ever really be "grown up", but by golly, I'm going to try. And so, with that, my advice remains the same as it did that day last month: Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
10. I am so thankful for relationships. On days like this, when my head is mushy and I really don't know what's wrong, I'm thankful for relationships with people who listen and love. On days like this, I'm thankful for relationships with people who are older and wiser and can give great advice. Mostly, though, on days like this I'm thankful for a relationship with Jesus. If there's anyone who can love me in spite of my confusion and flaws, he can. If there's anyone who can take my mushy spaghetti brain and make sense out of it, He can.
On days like this, I'm just grateful he can use my inner chaos- whether he ends up making it something organized or not.
The noodles that I know:
1. My emotions and I have been on a joyride this last week. Sometimes we were up, sometimes we were down, sometimes we took very random and unexpected turns that resulted in unexpected actions that I'm not particularly proud of. I'm still not sure how I feel, besides recognizing that I'm exhausted from attempting to decipher just how I feel. While I know that deep down I appreciate the complexity and range of my emotions, I also just wish I could fit them in logical boxes and say "This makes sense, so I'll feel this way." I wish sometimes that I was uncooked spaghetti, all nice and neat in a box, instead of this tangled mess dumped out into a strainer. Sadly, it just doesn't work that way.
2. I'm talking a lot about pasta tonight. I think I'm going to attribute it to my the fact that I love the "men are like waffles and women are like spaghetti" reasoning, but it's probably just because I made four pounds of spaghetti for a game on Halloween. Yeah. Four. Pounds.
3. I really love my roommate. I'm so thankful for the ways that our personalities complement each other and how she knows so much about things that I know absolutely nothing about. I'm also really thankful that she didn't freak out when I started crying about something relatively foolish today and instead talked me through it.
4. The line between guilt and conviction is one that I'm finding hard to draw lately. I legitimately want to act on the areas in my life where Jesus is convicting me and let Him wash away the guilt from other areas, but sometimes I just can't distinguish between the two.
5. I get to go home in less than a month, guys. I get to see my family, and sleep in my room, and have great conversations with people without the separation of computer screens or telephone speakers, and eat great food, and go to church, and eat Fred Meyer's black raspberry dark chocolate chunk ice cream (why does Fred Meyer not exist in Montana?!) and be by the river and just really be in the place that more than any other spells home. I'm excited. I miss my family-- blood related or not--and I really can't wait to reunite with whatever parts are there.
6. I'm not very good at saying no. Sometimes I can't say no to completing tasks I don't want to do--like running an errand or covering a shift-- because I hate the idea that I'm letting someone down. More often than not, though, I just can't say no to events that I really want to participate in. While it's fun in the moment, it's slowly killing my little introverted heart. I'm exhausted tonight, not from lack of sleep, but from all the mocktail making, movie watching, meeting holding fun and necessity of this weekend. For the sake of remaining healthy, I need to say no more, but I'm finding this truth to be hard to implement.
7. I already registered for next semester's classes. Where did this semester go?!?! When I was Google Chatting (which does not have the same ring as Skyping, FYI) with the Thompsons the other day, I caught myself saying, "I'm having so much fun, I just don't want this semester to end!" I can pretty much guarantee that I never expected to feel that way in Montana, but I'm oh so thankful that it's the truth.
8. Lately I've been loving leadership in InterVarsity, and all the new opportunities it's presenting. I love that my compulsive color-coding and excessive obsession over the way I communicate, among other things, can be used to further Christ's kingdom here in Bozeman. It makes me oh so excited for the day when I get to wake up and serve others and call it my job.
9. School stresses me out, but this time because it's so easy. I have hardly done any homework in almost a week, and yet I'm still right where I need to be and doing well in all my classes. It's not good for a procrastinator, because then when I finally have something to do I'm going to wait forever to actually do it!
10. Jarred asked me right before he left for combat training on my advice about growing up. Here's the thing, little brother: I'm not anywhere close to growing up. It's not from lack of trying, but more from finally understanding that the older I get the more I realize just how immature and unaware I really am. I'm not sure if I'll ever really be "grown up", but by golly, I'm going to try. And so, with that, my advice remains the same as it did that day last month: Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
10. I am so thankful for relationships. On days like this, when my head is mushy and I really don't know what's wrong, I'm thankful for relationships with people who listen and love. On days like this, I'm thankful for relationships with people who are older and wiser and can give great advice. Mostly, though, on days like this I'm thankful for a relationship with Jesus. If there's anyone who can love me in spite of my confusion and flaws, he can. If there's anyone who can take my mushy spaghetti brain and make sense out of it, He can.
On days like this, I'm just grateful he can use my inner chaos- whether he ends up making it something organized or not.
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