Grieving

There are holes in my heart that I just can't fill.

So often lately I find my soul aching because of things I don't understand. So often I find myself struggling with things I really wish I could ignore.

I'm sad a lot lately. I grieve a lot lately. It's hard to do that here; it's hard to try and explain where my heart's at, where my faith's at, where my life's at in a five minute conversation with people I've known for two months. It's not for lack of trying on either part, more that I just don't know the answers to all those questions myself.

Some days I understand more than others. Today is easy. Today I'm sad. Today is Troy's birthday and he's not here to celebrate it. Today I find myself thinking of the most insignificant details. How he always wore this really ugly, mustard brown knit beanie. How he once took me out to ice cream three separate times because he promised to take me as a reward and kept "forgetting" that he already had. The time we drove all over East Wenatchee looking for the perfect piece of chocolate cake. How he always played his music way too loudly in the car. How he fixed my viola case when the handle broke. The "nerds rock" pillow case he gave me for Christmas. The time we sat at Denny's for an hour after my dentist appointment because I didn't want to go back to school. We didn't get along very well most of the time, but for some reason that seems so insignificant now.

I find myself getting frustrated often, too. I'm frustrated that my new friends here are just that-new. They don't know all these details. I'm frustrated because the ones back home that do know are so hard to get ahold of. I try to remember that they're busy. I try to remember that I need to learn to make a new community here. I try to remember to lean on God in my times of grief, in my times of loneliness, in my times when my chest just aches with the age-old question why. Yet I must admit that so often I just want them to call me but I'm not sure how to ask.

So my thoughts roll around in my head. It's sometimes hard to focus on school; it's often hard to get any sleep (case in point: It's 3:15 in the morning right now and I have to get up in 5 hours). So I pray, and I read, and I try to distract myself-at least enough to sleep. There aren't many podcasts good enough to make up for exhaustion, though.

I can't fill those holes in my heart. Nothing this side of heaven can. I keep praying that Jesus would fill them, and I have faith that He will. I must admit, though:

I wish He'd fill them faster.


Comments

  1. BobNovember 2, 2012 at 11:05 PM

    Love the analogy of the dance and faith...
    Even the very best dancer acknowledges room for improvement!

    ReplyDelete

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